Chapter 11 Check-In

This Chapter seems to have been the hardest one for me to relate to so far, although perhaps I felt that way about some of the early chapters and just don't remember now. Ah, the aging process! Even though I had a hard time with Chapter 9, getting it "completed" to my own satisfaction - which means reading, writing out exercises, then check-in before I can allow myself to feel a sense of completion - I did read Ch. 9 and thought about the concepts quite a bit, just had a hard time with the other related activities. After reading Suzen's post last week about revisiting the section in Ch. 9 on fear, I went back and reread that myself. The concept of fear of success being as debilitating as fear of failure struck a chord with me somewhere, but one that required going back and rereading that section before I really focused on it. I've been commissioned to make a quilt for my boss's son. I know what he wants, I've thought about the design, I've purchased and washed the fabric. I need to draft a portion of the pattern - I managed to find large paper for the drafting, because it will be a good-sized pattern piece, I borrowed a protractor from a friend so I could get the angle right for the triangle. And somehow, right there, I have stalled - can't seem to push myself past this step and rereading that section on fear in Ch. 9 has given me pause. Am I afraid of success? It seems silly to even say it. Afraid of failure? How do I know I'm going to fail until I try. I'm still tossing this around in my head, trying to figure out how to push myself to actually get started. But I do know I need to do it and soon. He has already been waiting quite awhile. Part of the design is really quite simple, and I guess what I need to do is start there. I also know that I need to do a test of the portion of the quilt for which I have to draft the pattern before I cut into the actual quilt fabric. Guess I need to sit down and break this down into some small steps and then make myself take one of them - inertia is my worst enemy here.

Now back to Chapter 11 -- I was most interested in creativity as a spiritual practice, one that is ongoing - it can't be perfected, finished and set aside. In order to work with that, I think that it is important to provide myself with new experiences (artist's dates?), be open to learning new techniques, experiment with new tools, etc. When something doesn't seem to be working - or has worked but doesn't seem to any longer - I need to be open to beginning over, letting myself make mistakes and move forward on a new path. The Zen of Sports section was another reminder of a concept that I already know, but often ignore - that we need balance in all areas of our lives. Exercise should be as important to me as eating well, having sufficient creative and spiritual time (or the combination thereof that Julia suggests), and getting plenty of rest. Somehow exercise seems to be the one I find I most easily neglect. I've been promising myself for months that I would try to get back to Curves, and haven't done it yet. So once again, I'll add it to my list of resolutions and see if I can make any progress there. One of the "requirements" of Julia's next book Walking in This World is to add at least a weekly walk to the morning pages and artist's dates - a kind of moving meditation with what will hopefully be a similar impact to the morning pages - a chance to let your mind wander and free associate.

I did morning pages 4 out of 7 this week - no artist date, no examples of synchronicity that I can think of. Hard to believe we're beginning the last chapter of the book this week - in some ways it has seemed long, in others I can't believe it has gone so quickly.